Tentative hope

Monday morning, I got my second vaccine shot. What a friggin’ relief. After the painful year we all endured, it feels so good to just be done with it all. Inshallah – God willing.

Even as I await full immunity – and as many of my friends and family still await their shots – I can’t help but reflect on the past year. Reflect, and find some good in it.

When I first moved back from Israel in 2019, I was in a state of chaos. Battling mental health concerns, losing friendships, avoiding family, and even experiencing transient homelessness. It was a scary time that I hope to never repeat.

I started 2019 in Philly, a great city where I made many friends and regained my stability. Eventually, wanting to be closer to family, I decided to come back to D.C. where I grew up. I had a rocky start that eventually gave way to the beginnings of a new life. A job, new friends, activities. All of which suddenly disappeared with COVID.

The initial chaos of COVID gave way to a new way of living. At times, unbearably lonely and chaotic. After all, I lost my job and it became harder to socialize or even see my family for Passover.

And yet, like Jewish history teaches us, life is both bitter and sweet. And this past year has had some real sweetness for me. For every friendship I lost during my period of chaos and confusion after Israel, I’ve made many more new ones. For every moment I lost with my family, this past year has been full of so many beautiful new memories. And thanks to my top-notch mental health team, I feel good. I feel safe. I’m starting to feel more and more whole.

So in short, COVID was a mess. And yet I managed to build a really beautiful life for myself this past year. Perhaps because I was forced to stay in the same place, I had to build what I could with the tools at my disposal. So if I couldn’t go to restaurants (it’s been a year!), I went on walks with friends. And got in better shape. And if I couldn’t go on coffee dates, well, I went on walks yet again! Or sat far from each other on benches in parks. Sometimes in the freezing cold. Or hail.

This year I made some of the best friends I could ever have imagined. People who make my life worth living. This year, I explored every nook and cranny of the D.C. area with my mom, even when we could barely feel our fingers in the cold. Laughing all the way.

This year sucked- and it rocked. I mourn every death because of COVID. And I’m grateful for having one of the most stable, productive, loving years of my life. I wrote a freaking book!

So again, like with most things Jewish, it was good and it was bad- both at the same time sometimes. I’m grateful for the good this past year has brought me and am excited to celebrate my newfound fragile freedom to live even more fully. To invite my friends to Shabbat dinner. To find love. To dance. To visit Israel. And to live like Israelis who, coping with so many threats, take advantage of every moment of life to thrive.

My cover photo is from Sderot, a city that has endured it all – years of neglect, poverty, and Hamas rockets. It’s a city that has survived despite it all. When you’ve been through the thick and thin, you can come out bitter. Or come out sweeter than you could have ever imagined. I’m someone who, like Sderot, has endured and has the big empathic heart of a survivor.

Thanks to great friends and family, I won this year. I can’t wait to see what waits ahead. May it be sweet for me and for you.